I Am Awake

Hello Blog

2011-05-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been into blogging lately. But eh, tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Shane is deployed again. But hey, he bought me a Kindle AND an iPad....I've already received the Kindle and love it. The iPad is in the mail. I'm now an official electronics junkie and it's likely that I'll never be without facebook again.

I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow, though. I mean, it's that time of the year when my own Mother is supposed to be "celebrated"...yeah, she gave me life, blah blah. Gah. Why did she have to be MY mother? Then again, maybe it's a good thing, because I know I can handle it. It's better that someone else didn't have to have her as their Mother.

So, what am I doing tomorrow? Probably grocery shopping.

And after that, I plan to read on my kindle, or my new laptop (it's Pink! I got it a few months ago). And I plan to eat chocolate.

I hope you guys have a great Mother's Day!

Oh Hai.

2011-03-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

So, here's something new from me. A drunk post.

I hate my bio mom, she is the shittiest piece of shit on earth.

Deuces.

Testing 1,2,3

2011-01-30T08:06:00.001-08:00

Oh lala, Windows Live Writer success.

Just let it air out already!

2010-12-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

I hate the bitch that gave birth to me. There. I said it.

Ya know, at one point in my life, I forgave her for everything she did to me growing up. I let it all go. I moved past it. She never even had to ask my forgiveness. She never admitted she did anything wrong.

But she lives in denial. She's a psychopath. And the people around her don't even realize it. I'm not even saying psychopath to be mean. She's mentally ill. She has people fooled and when they find out who she is, she'll uproot herself again and she'll move to where no one knows her and she'll play the game from the beginning.

She'll come up with excuses for disappearing out of people's lives. They're all lies.

People say hate is a strong word. Well, it's a strong feeling, like love.

I used to say that I rarely think about my Mom. I don't let it bother me. She didn't matter. It didn't matter if she was there or not. Because at the time, it didn't. And so, I couldn't hate her.

But then she waltzes back in, says she'll be there. Says she cares. And then tries to turn me on my own family that raised me.

The thing about the word hate...if you hate someone, it means that person controls you. If you can waste time hating someone, you have a strong feeling...which means you feel SOMETHING toward that person. And to that person, something is better than nothing.

I used to feel nothing. And now I hate her. I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. I hate that I waste time hating her. I hate that she has this control over me, when she never had control over me before. I miss being numb.

It's COLD.

2010-12-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I'm in Florida for a reason people. This is too cold. I have lived in snow. I have seen blizzards. I have walked in the cold ass wind. And today's wind in Florida was freezing, I swear it felt like it was going to snow here. Too damn cold. Turn the heat back on!

Procrastination

2010-12-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

I was never a procrastinator, but it seems lately, I have become a big procrastinator. I have been avoiding writing a paper that SHOULD be easy, maybe I have writer's block. I have wrote one paragraph. One measly paragraph. I'm stuck.

I have been studying my Algebra, which is what I should be studying anyway. However, I've been avoiding my Religion homework as well.

This blog entry? It's procrastination.

I hate finals week. Blah.

And then I found...T

2010-10-31T19:56:00.001-07:00

This one. Great Advice.

The past is already past.
Don't try to regain it.
The present does not stay.
Don't try to touch it.

From moment to moment.
The future has not come;
Don't think about it
Beforehand.

Whatever comes to the eye,
Leave it be.
There are no commandments
To be kept;
There's no filth to be cleansed.

With empty mind really
Penetrated, the dharmas
Have no life.

When you can be like this,
You've completed
The ultimate attainment.
Layman P'ang (740-808)

I Found This Poem Today

2010-10-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

And I do believe it might have told the story of my life:

Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it.
Ryokan

To Become an Adult

2010-10-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

You must be a child first.

They quote "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child ", doesn't particularly fit me. When I was a child, I spoke like an adult, I thought like an adult and I reasoned like an adult. I was treated as an adult-child. I wasn't allowed to attend dances, school games. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to hang out after school.

When I moved out on my own, I became a child. I partied like a crazy child who no one could control. I spent money, like there was an endless supply. I did not think about the future. I was a very responsible child, I could stretch every penny. As a young adult, I just wanted to be carefree.

It wasn't until later on in my adult life that I went back to my responsible self. And so, I'm convinced that in order to become an adult, you must first experience life as a child. You must eventually let go of the need to control everything. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm convinced it will later.

So Far, So Good

2010-09-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

I made it through the kid's first week of school. The week after they started, I started and I survived that.

This is week 3 for them, week 2 for me and so far, we are all still alive.

Eric's had a rough beginning, but he's starting to catch on. He knows all his letters by sight and the sounds they make. We are starting sight words now.

Brianna knows all but 5 of her letters. She knows some of the sounds. She is loving preschool.

My SIL had her baby this past weekend and my nephew is just the cutest thing ever. It's been years since I've seen and held a newborn. *sniff*

My classes are going well. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to read Shakespeare in Lit class...but guess what we have to read? Hamlet. So I read it and survived it.

One thing is for sure, this was a much needed change in my life. I have been so much happier in school and with the kids in school. I'm finally getting time for me.

A New Beginning

2010-08-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

Eric started Kindy on Monday, and Brianna started full time preschool on Monday. This is my first time having both kids in full time school and I'm hoping it's the break I need. I start my classes next week, I'll have a Lit class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Algebra on Fridays. I also have a Religion class online.

I signed up for a Bootcamp class tomorrow at the YMCA. I normally don't participate in classes, but I am really bored with the same old work outs.

Also, tomorrow is the start of this:
http://daretoliveyou.com/mean-girl-cleanse/

Check it out and sign up if you want.

I also found out today, that I made straight A's :) I only took 3 classes, but I'm really proud of myself. I really thought I'd end up with a B or a C in the Math class. I did bad on a couple tests. So the A really came as a surprise. My English A was also a surprise because I just didn't feel confident in the papers that I wrote. I'm so glad I made it through the first semester of back to school, it gives me hope for the rest of the school year.

My Computer

2010-08-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

It sucks. I'm currently trying to fix it. My lovely laptop...why have you forsaken me??? WHY? All I've ever done was love you, but you treat me like shit. You don't R-E-S-P-E-C-T me. Please, put forth a little more effort in our marriage. I do not want to divorce you. I don't want to use the desktop computer. I love you too much to cheat on you with another computer.

A Different Feeling

2010-08-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

So, when I made this blog, I promised it wouldn't be a ranting blog for me. Ranting is sooo Myspace. I wanted this to be a Happy Blog, when I created it, I was happy. I was new to Jacksonville, ready to discover the territory, etc.

I haven't blogged in forever. And why? Because I'm not really happy.

And yet, I still feel the need to write. I tried my hand at writing fiction for a quick minute, but realized that it's not exactly what I want to write.

When I was young, I kept a journal. It probably started around age 8. I kept it up until....I don't remember. But I was an Adult. I probably stopped writing when I had a son.

Anyway, I've decided I will continue to blog as a journal. This is more for myself than for anyone else though. Just letting y'all know. Maybe one day, I'll make a new Happy Blog.

July 18th, 2010

2010-07-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ---Albert Schweitzer

Thank you ;)

I Suck at Blogging

2010-02-28T13:13:00.001-08:00

Apparently.

I keep saying I'll start blogging regularly again, but I don't. So I won't make any promises this time. A lot has been going on around here. Most of which, I'm not yet ready to blog about just yet.

I don't know about you, but when life is hard, I look for inspirational quotes to get me through. Here are two of my current favorite quotes:

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." --Harriet Beecher Stowe

AND

"The proper function of man is to live - not to exist." -- Jack London

Life lessons suck sometimes.

This Makes 2 for December

2009-12-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, not bad, right?

So, what have we been up to? Hiking...well I guess I wouldn't call it hiking when you take two kids under age 5 with you. Brianna hates hiking, though she is starting to warm up to it.

I did hike up Kennesaw Mountain when I went to Georgia last month. Twice. The first time I took Shane & the kids and let's just say we made it about 1/2 way up and the pouting started not even 50 steps into it. WTH? The 2nd time, I went alone and it was fantastic.

Not sure what my obsession is with all this nature crap. I never cared for it before. Still no urge to sleep out there though.

Eric's in Pre-K and doing pretty good. Tomorrow is his last day before Winter break...boo...what will I do with two kids fighting all day? They can barely make it through the weekend!

Brianna will be 3 on the 23rd of this month.

That seems to be about it. We haven't been doing much.

Hi December!

2009-12-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

Don't hate me when I say this...but it's effing cold here! Yes, I know it's 49 degrees, but that is too cold for me. I must move to Jamaica next.

I will try to start blogging again, one day....

What Happened to October?

2009-11-08T18:51:00.001-08:00

I guess I had to take a break from blogging. No real reason. I guess I feel as though there isn't much to be said anymore.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...so here's a few thousand from our hiking trip this week (which was really really short, but well apparently hiking trails aren't popular here)

The weather is really nice here, I hope it stays this way. Not looking forward to any kind of cold weather at all.

Long Time No See

2009-09-08T10:31:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I would say I've been really busy, I have, but it only takes a few minutes to blog so I really can't say that I've been too busy to blog. I just haven't had much to blog about, I guess.

Last Thursday was date night with the Husband. We went to the Jacksonville Jags Vs Washington Redskin's game, Shane is a huge Redskin's fan. We had a nice time, even though I'm not a sports fan.

Let's see, we also recently moved. We have a nice big bathroom now and a walk in closet in every bedroom. Also, instead of the kids having their own rooms, I put their beds in one room and made the other bedroom a toy room. So far, I really like it.

I also caught the flu and have had it for about 2 weeks. I think it's finally going away. Maybe it was a sinus infection or something. No clue. My kids got the sniffles and I got the sniffles after them. Well their sniffles went away after a few days without any other symptoms. Me? I got a sore throat and a freaking cough from hell. Nice. I'm still coughing up my lungs.

Oh, we got a new living room set, tv and bed set for the master bedroom. Yay. All at a really good price, too!

That is about all the updates I have for now.

My Baby Is Growing Up

2009-08-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

Eric will be starting Pre-K in 2 weeks! I'm so ready for this. And I think he is, too. I am hoping his first day goes smoothly. Shane has already told work that he will be late that day because he wants to be there on Eric's first day of school and school doesn't start till NINE AM!!! It's only 3 hours long.

We have been busy busy busy since Shane came home and I like it! LOL. He has 24 hour duty every 3 days and has to work Monday-Friday, but when he is off work we are not home!

We bought a new bedroom set and new living room set and I'm so excited. We are moving Sept 1st and so we set up delivery for the 2nd. I hate moving but I love the apartments we are moving into, there will be a gym! Oh and the Master bathroom is great, there is a huge bathtub, lots of space and a walk in closet!

Well I think I heard the kid's bedroom door open, so I'm going to go and take these munchkins for a walk!

On a more positive note...

2009-08-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

My Husband made it home the other day!

We were supposed to go visit my Grandfather but every thing seems to be broken around here. We spent 4 hours yesterday just sitting around waiting. Nice. Plus Shane was supposed to originally have Sunday off but the person that was taking his duty for him turned out not to have a qual that Shane has and they need HIM to stand the watch. So...yeah, we would have had to drive down on saturday and drive back up on saturday. 4 hours down, 4 hours up.

So, we are going to see about next weekend. My grandfather's condition keeps flip flopping. One da he is doing good and the next he isn't. Thank you guys for your kind words (either here on the blog or in person) it really means a lot to me.

On to the good stuff!!!

I only got my gifts from Pakistan so far, the other stuff is still on the ship. My house was a complete mess after he got in, there is just so much stuff, lol. I got my jewelry and I love it all! I will have to get a new memory card reader and then I will post a pic of my most favorite ring ever! It's a Black Diamond with smaller regular diamonds in the band. It's purrrrty.

The kids got some jewelry too! Brianna has a birthstone necklace and Eric got a chain with something...I don't know how to describe the symbol but it's cute! Shane came off the ship with roses in hand for me and one rose for Brianna, along with a stuffed bear for each of the kids. Brianna will not put hers down at all. Not even for a second. She eats with it, sleeps with it..lol.

Shane had to work today, I was worried that Brianna would flip. she does keep asking for him but she keeps saying "Daddy coming back?" and she seems to be okay. There are not enough hours in the days now. We still have a ton of things that need to be done. My Impala is in the shop, so we are using one vehicle.

Oh, yesterday while waiting around for things to be done, we went shopping a little, I found a NICE pair of jeans, they fit really good and I was just shocked to find a pair of jeans that fit in under 30 minutes. They are just plain Black denim, but the fit is nice.

I will have to take some pics of the gifts he bought, because I dont think I could describe them all. I haven't seen the stuff from London yet, maybe he will bring it home tomorrow morning, if he remembers (that is when he gets off).

But it's nice having him home. Busy, but nice. Now I must go and finish finding spots for every thing...I think we need a bigger house.

Not a Happy Blog

2009-07-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

I think I spent about 30 minutes trying to figure out a title for a blog like this. Hell, I can't even figure out how to say what I want to say.

I've talked a bit about my Grandpa and his cancer before. He's been in the hospital about a week now. He's not doing good at all. It's hard to talk about and I can't seem to say what exactly I need to say.

I pictured Shane's homecoming to be happy & carefree. I expected him to walk off the ship and I ran into his arms and jumped up and down. Now all I feel like doing is running into his arms and having a break down. I hope I can keep myself together when he gets home. We were planning on "resting" when he came home, taking things easy, letting things fall in place. Instead, we will be leaving the city as soon as he gets home.

Every time my phone rings, I feel like someone is going to give me "the news" . I didn't expect every thing to go down hill so fast.

On top of that, while my Grandma was headed home from the hospital, someone hit her with their car. Her car is totalled and she went to the ER. I think my Aunt (who was with her) thought she had broke her leg. My nerves are shot today.

On the upside, I'm extremely grateful that every thing that could go wrong went wrong toward the END of deployment and not in the middle or beginning.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel?

2009-07-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

I SEE IT!!!!!

God, I'm so glad this deployment is almost over.

Jibberish

2009-07-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've been really slackin on the bloggin thing lately. We are approaching the end of deployment and I'm a hair away from losing my effin mind. Still battling the creamer issue. Apparently the fridge locks do not hold up to Brianna's mastermind.

In other news, today I went out to check the mail and lo & behold guess what I seen sitting in my front yard? Well I should say front grass because I don't really have a yard. Anyway...wait for it..

SNAKE SKIN

As in, a snake had shed his skin on my grass? Oh my god. There are two things on Earth that terrify me and that is FIRE and SNAKES. Eww eww eww. Why did it have to be MY GRASS???

I need a vacation.

What Part of "No" is Hard to Understand?

2009-07-16T13:27:00.001-07:00

I'm sure God himself would have pissed in my cornflakes this morning, if I even had any damned cornflakes to begin with.

So after wasting about $10 on coffee creamer in the past two weeks, I finally invested in a childproof cabinet/fridge lock. Only to find out they suck and I'm sure even a 10 month old child could figure that shit out. I hope Brianna doesn't. She's lactose intolerant and the one thing she wants when she opens the fridge is my coffee creamer. Tell me how she drinks the whole bottle every time? And the diapers afterwards? Yeah. Don't even think about it.

I always think of different punishments for when she does this and nothing works. I'll think it works and then a week later...BAM she hits me again. I mean seriously, she doesn't understand that Mommy needs her coffee?

Just a few more weeks and I swear I'm locking myself in the bathroom for a whole day and not coming out.

Whoops

2009-07-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

For awhile I could not log in to blogger, it kept giving me some crazy message that I couldn't understand...something about clearing my cache, but when I read the directions on how to do it, the directions didn't make sense to me. Oh well...it's letting me back in now.

This deployment has introduced me to a whole new level of boredom. I'm so glad it's almost over...hopefully.

Oh, hey let me fill you guys in on every thing I have managed to break this past week:

My microwave has went crazy & beeps all day. I have to unplug it unless I'm using it.
My car which I posted about on the last blog entry. BTW, I have managed to narrow down the problems, it doesn't seem to be something too bad. That's good.
My digital camera (is there any other type of camera these days?) memory card reader. Yep. My kids were playing with the cord, I should have stopped them...anyway, the left it on the floor and I tripped over it while it was attached to my computer, and pulled the cord out of the reader and the little wire thingys inside broke. Nice.
Desktop monitor needs to be replaced...that broke too.
Oh and I broke a wine glass too. I know, not a big deal, but damn it, I hope I never have more than 3 people over drinking wine with me...we'll have to go all ghetto-fab on our company and drink wine out of styrofoam cups.

Ah. And things were going so well.

Give Me A Break

2009-07-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

Because I could really use one right now.

So, I found out a couple weeks ago that my Grandpa's cancer has spread and his heart doctor said he can not go through with the surgery. They gave him 2 years. I know doctors aren't always right with these estimations but the news still hit me pretty hard. My Grandpa and my Grandma helped raise me my entire childhood. To be honest, while I am scared to lose my Grandpa, my concern is how will our family move on when it happens? There are a few people that I feel hold our family together, My Grandpa is one of them. He is a man of very few words, but when he talks everyone listens. I don't really know what else to say, it's hard to even think about.

Yesterday, my car decided it was time to finally take me to my breaking point. I admit, I have heard so many stories about how every thing goes wrong when your husbands leave for deployment and to be honest every thing has been good up until the news about my Grandpa, but thanks to my wonderful friends I got through that part.

I can't drive my car until it's fixed, I won't risk breaking down on the road with two young kids. Luckily my neighbors are cool and they know someone who has a code reader and knows a lot about cars, so he is going to come look at the car for me. And I'm also glad that I'm within walking distance of a grocery store, among several other places. If I had known my car was going to act like ass I would not have put gas in it...wtf. LOL. I still love my car though and I'm hoping it's nothing major. I bet my car is mad because it hasn't been waxed in 4 months...the longest it has ever been is a week before deployment. Sad, huh? Shane told me don't bother doing it...I think he just didn't want any men staring at me while I was doing it, but whatever, I haven't done it, lol.

Anyway, I'm still surviving. A lot of life changes coming soon and it's going to be a really hard adjustment for everyone but hopefully it will bring out the best in all of us.

Summer Jams

2009-06-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ahh, Summer.

The best thing about summer is the music. Not sure why music is so different in the Summer than in the Winter. Winter music SUCKS!

So...in honor of Summer, here is my playlist...or at least a partial list:

Kid Rock-Just ANYTHING by this man screams Summer Time
I'm Still in Love With You- Sasha & Sean Paul
Strawberry Wine-Deanna Carter
Summer Time- Will Smith (Or Fresh Prince...lol)
Hot in Here-Nelly....you know what? Anything Nelly, cause he's hot.
Get It Shawty-Lloyd
Cryin'-Aerosmith (Do you have to ask why?)
No Letting Go-Wayne Wonder
Hella Good-No Doubt

And let's just say anything Reggae is on that list, Sean Paul, Beenie Man, Bob Marley, Sasha, etc. Turn the Heat up!

Some like it hot...some like it hotter ;)

What's on your list?

The Result

2009-06-14T16:30:00.001-07:00

Well, I am only 2 days late with the result of the Magic Cream adventure....

I'll just say that...it's awesome! There were no crazy skin reactions, no burning, etc. It was perfect. I did have to leave it on a good 20 minutes. But I was very pleased.

Step 1

2009-06-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

You'll have to read the previous blog entry to get this one.

So...the first step created a little dilemma. Ya see, I have not drank wine in awhile and I was under the impression that I had a cork screw here. I distinctly remember using it a few months back. It must have got up and walked off.

So. Google.

I tried the shoe method with no success, in fact it just made me feel like an idiot.

Then I came across a youtube video and I figured if it's on youtube it must work. I was impressed, I can't believe I didn't think of this idea (well, actually I can believe that). I put a screw into the cork, screwed it half way in and then took it out with the back of a hammer.

Klassy.

A Night to Remember?

2009-06-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well I hope not.

I have invested in the one & only Magic Cream. That's right. I've read the horror stories, I've read the success stories and now it's time for me to find out for myself. How bad will it be? Or will it be a success?

I have come fully prepared for this occasion. I purchased a nice bottle of wine (okay, a CHEAP bottle of wine, lmao, I am trashtastic). I plan to jam to some old tunes and sing filthy lyrics all night. Perhaps some man hater music, since obviously this stuff was invented by a man.

I've tested the Magic Cream in two test spots (I had to be sure) and so far, all systems go.

I'll let you guys know how this turns out.

Patience

2009-06-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

I do not have! Ugh! Whoever said that you gain patience when you have children was full of shit and should really just learn to speak for themselves and not the whole world.

I call bullshit.

So..Hi...

2009-06-05T12:33:00.001-07:00

How are you doing? Just letting you guys (you know, me, myself & I) know I haven't fell off the Earth yet.

Has your life ever felt like blah? Mine is feeling that way right now. Every time I try to go outside it rains. Pisses me off. So I think I'll stop trying to get some fresh air.

I've decided to finally make Black Bean burgers. I bought the beans like a month ago. How pathetic am I? But today, I have cooked the beans, so there is no turning back now. I hope they are good.

Oh, I'm stuck on Twilight now. I got it bad, like Usher. I can't wait till November! I even downloaded the soundtrack and love that too. I think it's just the boredom. I'm convinced it's the boredom. But just don't take my Edward & Bella away.

Being sick is a beetch

2009-05-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

I think it's a sinus infection. Oh well. It wasn't enough to stop me from going to the beach after the sun finally decided to show up, after a week of freaking gloomy weather! The kids had a blast and ran all their energy out. I had fun too. I mean, what is prettier than the beach & the sun? Well, actually, the beach was kind of ugly today. I'm not exactly sure what that nasty puffy stuff was on the shoreline (wasn't a jelly fish, but I'm sure it was squishy...I didn't touch it).

Anyway pictures are worth a thousand words, right? So here's a few thousand words for ya:

Distraction

2009-05-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Is what I need. And I found it. Yes, my friends <---stupid McCain made me say it, I have fell into the lost world of Twilight. I'm impressed. I'm not much of a Vampire/Fantasy person, but the movie caught me. Now I've read the books. I think I'll watch the movie again.

In other news, I have not seen the sun in at least 5 days. I seen it last weekend, and the week before the sun was M.I.A. again. How much longer can this drag on? IS Jax turning into fucking Seattle? Where is my damn sunshine? Did Jax not get the memo that I can not survive in this weather?

Thanks to the rain & gloom (and doom) I woke up this morning wondering if I turned into a vampire, somehow. My Throat was killing me (Twilight says that Vampires throats hurt when they are thirsting...*snicker*). I went to sit up but I was severely dizzy. Did not help the whole Vampire thing. Then my children came running in the room and I realized that they did not look appetizing at all, so I figured I must just be sick.

I'm fucking sick. Great. All this time Shane was home, I didn't get sick. He leaves and I get sick twice. I'd love nothing more than to take a nap (Another sign I didn't turn into a vampire) but life is against me at the moment and it probably wouldn't be in my best interest to take a nap. I'd wake up with food all over the floor. I guess I'll suffer here in a daze.

Today was a good day

2009-05-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more days like today. Life would be grand. I actually woke up with energy today. This never happens, I'm always tired. My stupid thyroid hates me and I usually spend two hours just trying to start my day.

I didn't even have my coffee/latte this morning. I woke up and started cleaning and then I realized today was the 16th and I remembered the base was having Military Appreciation Day and having a little carnival type of thing on base.

So, I went upstairs and got the kids dressed in their swimwear and we headed off. Every thing was free, the kids had a blast, there wasn't much whining, did I mention every thing was free?

The kids actually requested to come home and take a nap because they were so tired. LOL. They both came home and took LOOOONG naps. I ended up doing some deep cleaning that really needed to be done. I actually still have energy.

But unfortunately, I know I will wake up tomorrow and my energy will be gone. It never lasts long.

Fucking Shit

2009-05-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

I just really needed somewhere to curse and get that out.

I went and bought more swim diapers for Brianna (don't need any accidents in a public pool) and more floaties for the pool. I had every intention of waking up this morning and going to the pool.

Didn't happen. Why? Because it rained all day.

I really hope it's nice and fucking hot tomorrow.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

It was surprisingly okay. I had totally expected today to be nothing different from any other day since Shane is on deployment.

Well first off, the kids actually slept in till about 830am. That was pretty great.

And then I seen a free zoo coupon for Mom's on Mother's Day, so I decided to go. Brianna got in free and Eric was $8 to get in. I expected meltdowns and tantrums, especially since Brianna didn't take a nap. But other than a few whines here and there, the day was perfect. The kids had a blast and Mommy got exercise (that she really needed).

And now Mommy is exhausted and I know that my children will make up for the easy day they gave me.

Bah Humbug

2009-05-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

Holidays/appreciation days are dumb.

Pete & Re-pete

2009-05-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

Generic rant alert, this happens often. Sorry. Same material different day.

I'm fucking tired, I'm cranky, my kids do not seem to understand the words "Stop running in the house" and most of all I'm just over this whole deployment shit.

I'm fucking tired. I want a nap, I want 10 hours of sleep, I want my weekend sleep in days. I want someone else to change a diaper, break the kids up from fighting and keep them from yelling Mommy all day.

I do not want pity or sympathy, I just want a break and a nap, perhaps a child free vacation? My blog title and URL is very fitting right now. I am awake and please stop bothering me.

I'm thinking of running away...who is with me?

I Love Summer

2009-05-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Yes I do. I love summer, how 'bout you? *giggle*

We've been to the beach, we've been to the pool. My kids don't like cold water. Brianna doesn't like water that chases her.

Summer also means that Shane is almost home. 5 more pay periods. That sounds sooo much better than X amount of days, weeks or months. 5 pay periods sounds really good and close.

Flash Back Friday

2009-05-01T19:29:00.001-07:00

It's that time again. Time for "One time at band camp" stories. Except there is no band camp.

My Flash back today goes all the way back to High School. The first time I skipped school. I really didn't skip school often, maybe three times total? Anyway, my friend Nacole was dating this guy Mike. Real Country people here. Nacole had a sister Jenny. Me, Nacole & Jenny were really good friends and neighbors.

Mike drove a truck, a truck that was old as fuck and I believe it was a Ford. Anyway, don't ask me why, but we went to Mike's friend's house...who actually was a drug dealer. NICE choice, right?

We end up leaving there and exploring "Mike's turf" aka where he used to ride dirt bikes and 4 wheelers. We take his Ford that "can get out of anything"....see where I'm going with this? Country, Ford...So we come to this dead end and the dirt road we were on was REALLY narrow. Instead of just reversing straight, Mike asks Jenny "Is the grass dry there?" and she says

"IT'S DRY AS A WHISTLE"

To this day, I don't know where the saying came from, but it does NOT mean it's dry...that is FOR SURE.

We go to turn around but instead of just doing a simple three point turn, Mike decides to go all the way out..where we discover..mud. And...we get stuck.

So I'm skipping school with my tommy hilfiger on and we have to try to push this truck out. Fucking nice. I got mud all over my school clothes. Still, no luck we were still stuck. So this truck comes out of the blue and asks if we need help, they try to pull the truck out with their truck, it was a no go.

So Mike & Nacole decide to ride into town with these people to find ANOTHER truck to pull us out. When they come back, they are in a brand new Ford that resembled Nacole & Jenny's Mom's truck, Me & Jenny almost shit our pants, which wouldn't have mattered anyway b/c we were all muddy. By the way, have I ever mentioned I do NOT like to get dirty?

We finally get out the mud with 30 minutes to drive 30 miles and go home and shower and change before our parent's come home and see us all muddy. We didn't get caught.

It took me a looong time to be brave enough to skip school again after that!

Love

2009-04-30T16:45:00.000-07:00

Is complicated but worth it. Me & Shane's 3 year year anniversary is coming up and honestly, I never thought we'd make it. Now I'm convinced we'll make it forever. Not sure why I feel that way and the thought is quite scary. I don't think I've ever felt this sure about anything else in my life.

I've read that there are many ups and downs in marriages and I never really want to see another down. I know we will, and I hope we get through it when the time comes.

Commitment has never been easy for me. Hell I can barely commit to a hair color or a fashion style and I'm expected to commit to one person out of a gazillion people on earth? Crazy.

A year ago, I wasn't sure we'd make it this far. Funny how time changes things, I don't even know when my mind changed. Not sure when I felt the spark again. All I know is, what we have now, I want it to last forever.

Baby Fever

2009-04-28T20:52:00.001-07:00

I have it bad.

Looking at baby names did not help at all.

Why would I do this to myself again?

Midnight Munchies

2009-04-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

GOOO AWAYYYY PLEASE.

Shit. I gained like 9lbs at my parent's house. I've lost 2-3 just being back home. Ridiculous. 9lbs in 2 weeks...how many calories did I consume? Must have been a shit load.

It WILL come off, the 9lbs and more. I'm never going back and when I do, I'm getting a hotel (I say that every time).

Absurdities

2009-04-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

For those that don't know, I'm an Atheist, I have tried to believe but my mind won't let me.

So, every once in awhile, I get these funny scenarios in my head. Quite embarrassing to admit, actually. Anyway, I always wonder what it would be like, if there was a God and he decided to do the whole Virgin Mary thing over again, except with someone like me...who doesn't believe. I mean, let's face it, someone who is a Christian when they get knocked up by God, really can't think much of it. But an Atheist? How ironic would it be?

I can really just picture me telling my Husband that I'm pregnant by God. I think it would go something like this:

Me: Honey, I have something to tell you.
Him: What is it?
Me: I'm pregnant.
Him: Um by who, I'm on deployment.
Me: By God
Him: What? You're an Atheist, remember?
Me: I know, I know, I was, I'm not anymore, by the way.
Him: Did you cheat on me?
Me: No, I would never do that.
Him: We are gonna have to get a DNA test.
Me: Well whose DNA do you think God used? His? Yours? Let me go call him

Ring Ring Ring!

God: Hello
Me: Whose DNA did you knock me up with?
God: What? You humans have the most absurd questions
Me: Sorry. I need to know, my Husband thinks I cheated on him.
God: Where's his faith?
Me: Um, it's 2009 God, Everyone cheats down here.
God: *SIGH* I'll call him.

Yes, I do have issues. There IS such a thing as too much spare time.

Small Town (continued)

2009-04-24T21:54:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my Home Town! Yep, you see what that says? Alturas, FL. Try to find that on a map!

This house, while growing up, was known as the Slushy Man house. He sold Slushies to all the kids after school. He must have had a MILLION flavors in his house. He had no a/c, but all the kids would gather there at his house after school anyway. Yes, even in 100 degree weather!

Because I'm totally lazy and did this backwards, the rest of the Alturas pics are in the next blog!

Small Town, Florida

2009-04-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

This might get long. Welcome to my small home town. This is where I grew up.

This is an old house on my road, most houses look very similar to this one. The amazing thing about this house and other houses out there, they went through 3 hurricanes in 2004. These homes have been around since I was a child.
Our small, local Fire Department. I think the only time they are open, is when there is a natural disaster, like a hurricane and they have to provide the people with basic essentials.

This is one of the old packing houses. We have quite a few of these here that aren't used anymore, but the building still remains.

This is our "store". It's really about the only one we have without heading into Bartow, the "bigger" city which really isnt big at all.

I don't know if you can tell, but this is a TINY road. Two cars can barely fit on it and at some point you have to cross a one lane bridge. One side has to yield to let the other side pass through it.

This is THE curve. The one you have to go about 10 mph around. When I was 16, I scared the living shit out of my Dad going around this curve. After that, he never rode with me again.

One of the MANY dirt roads & lakes in our part of the woods (or Orange Groves, if you can't tell those are Orange Trees in the picture).

It's completely normal to have a cow sitting in your front yard here.

Other than Orange groves, this is about all you see out here. I will have to do another post to get all the pictures in.

I Am Home!

2009-04-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Home Sweet Home!

I've been gone for oh a good two weeks, I think. I was supposed to stay another week but I just couldn't. I love visiting family, but I love being in my own home too.

Now I get to unpack..wahhhh.

I took a lot of pics of my hometown so a hometown blog is coming up soon (when I can find energy).

My Recent Findings

2009-04-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

Just because you make more money than I/we do, or have higher social class....doesn't give you a pass to make ignorant comments.

Please take Street Smarts 101 Ass Face.

Not Happy

2009-04-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Some days, you don't really have a reason to not be happy, but you are just not happy. I think it's called PMS.

Save the "It could be worse" bull shit for another day. Don't want to hear it.

The glass is half empty, not half full today. Maybe tomorrow it will be half full again.

On another note, I'm headed South to visit my parents on Friday morning. I just need to make it through tomorrow.

Tuna

2009-04-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

For those that don't know..this is my cat. His name is Luna, he has attitude. When I "met" Luna, he was walking with this guy who was walking his dog around the block. I had never seen such a sight before. A cat walking around the block, so I laughed out loud. The guy told me he did it all the time and said he was a stray, but he thought he had been a house cat before. I decided to take this cat in, I mean really...who could resist?

I was told Luna was a girl. I named Luna after a Greek Goddess. One day I noticed Luna was licking her balls. Yep, that's right. turns out Luna is a boy, so now I tell everyone that Luna is short for Lunatic. Eric has recently renamed him to Tuna.

Tuna is a spunky cat. He hated us at first. He would run any time someone would get near him. He didn't hiss, he just didn't like us. Now my Tuna cat is always chasing us around. He even plays fetch with my kids. Yes, you read that right. Eric throws Tuna's mouse and Tuna fetches it and brings it back to him. Tuna also follows Eric to bed every night. Every single night..Eric says "It's bedtime Tuna" and here comes the cat. I have never met a cat that acts like a dog.

I think Tuna needs a diet though..he's getting fat & fluffy. I told him he needed to go on a diet and I think he is packing his bags. I don't think he likes the word diet.

Flashback Friday, Take 2

2009-04-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

Camping is NOT what the Army calls it when you sleep in a tent on duty. Go figure, who knew?

I can't exactly remember the conversation, but I remember we were marching (more like hiking forever & ever) to our "camp spot" in boot camp and I said "I've never been camping". My Drill Sergeant over heard this. I will never forget it. He paused everyone and asked me "who the hell is going camping?". Well, shit, I don't know, I thought that's why we brought the tents?

Apparently it's a Bivouac..who knows how to properly spell that word? NOT ME. I'll never forget that term, Drill Sergeant, I promise. Now, when the hell will I ever use it again? Never.

And btw, this "camping" thing is not for me. Disgusting. And what I don't get is after I got out of Boot Camp and went to Japan, people did this thing on their own free will. They liked it.

I'm not a camper. I will take my bed. Thanks.

Where Did My Baby Go?

2009-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

He has grown up, he's not even a toddler anymore...*sniff*. He's hanging out with the older crowd at the park now...not the toddlers anymore. I took this picture at the park, this was his crowd..don't they look so big?

Also, he seems to think his Uncle Mikey broke his camera (we don't know who broke it, but it's older than my Grandmother). Normally when Uncle Mikey calls, Eric talks & talks. The last two times he says "Uncle Mikey, you broke my camera?" and when he says No, Eric says "Then who did, huh? Did my Mommy break it? Can someone tell me who broke my camera?"

WHAT THE FUCK?

So, now I need to go find him a new camera. He's not letting this go at all. If you slightly suggest that his sister did it, he says "No, she would not break my favorite camera".

Ha.

I Think My Kids Are Plotting Against Me

2009-03-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Seriously. They have been real good so far today. I think it's going to be a long night.

Eric came home around oh...630pm last night. Uh yeah..just a little late. But okay, whatever. Not a big deal. His Dad did cram his suit case full of new clothes and for that, I shall let the lateness go. To be honest, I would have let it go anyway..the clothes just made it easier. So, now both Eric & Brianna have plenty of summer clothes, this is great. I think I still need to buy Eric an Easter Outfit, but eh...no biggie.

I took the kid's for Ice Cream today, Eric's Dad gave him ice cream money last night before he left, and I was too tired to go last night. The best part? I didn't get any ice cream for myself...this is really good b/c normally I would have and there is just no reason..I wasn't craving it, so really no reason to eat it. I passed and got a small coke and drank two sips...it was really a waste of money.

After Ice Cream, we walked to the park. I let the kids play for about 2 hours. Yes, not 30 minutes, 2 hours. They are worn out. Eric is knocked out on the couch and Brianna is knocked out in the stroller (yes, she is in the stroller).

I am sure they will be up all night & I will regret this later. But for now, I'm in Heaven...or what I think Heaven would be like.

"Who That Is?"

2009-03-28T12:26:00.001-07:00

"That's Just my Baby Daddy".

Stupid old song...just ignore it. Ugh. I'm waiting for my son to be delivered right now...His Dad said he'd be here around 2pm. It's 327pm. He did call earlier to tell me he's running late, he lives pretty far away (I believe it's 4 hours). I'm not angry, not upset, he called and it's not that big of a deal, really. I don't get my panties in a bunch over things like this.

I'm just...IMPATIENT. I feel like time is moving sooo slow.

Well Brianna just fell off the couch and woke up from her nap, so I guess time will start to fly by now? Hopefully.

Flashback Friday

2009-03-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Let the good times roll....I figured since I'm getting old & I like to re-tell my stories (like my Dad STILL DOES) I figured I'd blog about them.

My first Flashback goes to Ft. Jackson, South Carolina aka Relaxin Jackson. Army Bootcamp, fun days, I tell ya! My first memory of this hell hole, was getting off a bus and being made to stand in a line at 2am to get PT clothes. What are PT clothes? They are fancy (not) Army Sweat suits. While in bootcamp, no civilian clothes are authorized. Even your underwear has to be a certain kind & bras too.

So you wait in this line and you aren't allowed to talk. You have these really nice people yelling at you to shut up...no one is making a peep but you are being told to shut up, lmao. Kind of funny. You go in there and they give the males the TIGHTEST sweat suits ever and they give the females the BAGGIEST sweat suits ever.

Around 4am, you are done, they send you to bed. 415am they wake you up and tell you that the leaves fell on the ground and you must go out there and pick them all up. And you do this by hand. For what reason? No reason. Just entertainment. You do this until 6am when you must eat breakfast before you start your inprocessing....aka sit around and wait for ever & ever to get one thing done on your check list to continue on to actual boot camp.

And this was my first encounter with the army. I will never forget picking up leaves at random hours of the night/day. When there was nothing else to do, we picked up leaves by hand. One by one...while the battalion next to us, used a leaf blower....

Normal Kids

2009-03-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Do they exist anymore or does everyone have a genius kid now days?

While I'd like to believe my kids are geniuses, truth of the matter is, they are behind for their ages. And I just LOVE when I mention that and some stupid ass Mom proceeds to brag about her child, while I'm expressing concern about MY CHILD.

Thank you & Fuck you....

Midnight Munchies & Black Silk

2009-03-25T16:45:00.001-07:00

So I have dropped 21lbs in the past year. I would like to keep it off and lose another 10lbs or so. Lately, I've had a case of the munchies every night.

I've tried a few tricks & nothing works. So, tonight, I decided, I'm going to shower & slip on some Black silk lingerie...yep, you read that right. I'm am typing to you in my black silk lingerie.....ooowweeee. I mean, who can really stuff their face in lingerie? I'll get back to you on that.

So, thanks to a fellow BHBer, I decided to try this Folgers Black Silk coffee. I must say, I'm impressed. It's very soothing and I am liking it. I love coffee. The Eight O Clock bean coffee that my friend Cat told me about, it's the bomb. I am never going back to plain Folgers again. Black silk=good, Eight O'Clock-=good...Folgers=Okay...Maxwell house=Fucking disgusting.

Oh and yes I did shave my legs & no you can not get a picture. Kthxbai

Not Perfect

2009-03-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

Don't tell my Husband, but I'm not perfect. Some days, I want to act immature too. I have immature thoughts on the regular, I just try not to speak them.

Sometimes it's better to just shut your mouth before the words come flying out of your mouth. Not talking about my Husband here. Poor guy gets enough blame in his life (LOL).

I'm a very opinionated person, but sometimes it's better to keep your opinion to yourself. It's not always good to be looked at as "The Outspoken One". Sure you get looked at like "Yeah! You tell them!" sometimes...but most of the time, you just look like an idiot.

I ramble...a lot. I change subjects quickly. I don't always make sense to other people.

But, I like me and that is all that matters.

A Warning

2009-03-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

I never claimed to always be politically correct.

Sometimes, I just want to be me.

Boredom

2009-03-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I keep trying to blog lately, but apparently I'm too boring. I have nothing.

Potty training is actually going great. I'm impressed. We only use diapers during naptime and bedtime...oh and when running out of the house. Ugh. I need to get brave and take her out in underwear. But she has been doing good and even comes home in dry diapers. We've had two accidents in the past week.

I have been sleeping really well lately. But for some reason, when I sleep good, I do not wake up well. If I get more than 6 hours of sleep, I just want to lay in bed all day. When I get 4 hours, I want to run around and not sit down. I'm so backwards.

I'm tired of rain. I've been watching seasons 1 & 2 of House. I need seasons 3 & 4. I need to go to bed.

Well I Knew This Day Would Come Eventually

2009-03-16T19:31:00.001-07:00

OMG...I think I'm going to snap on someone. Today has just been annoying. I wouldn't even say bad. Just annoying as hell. People are so damn needy, people are irresponsible, people are pesky.

I wonder what I am to other people?

Actually, I don't care, because today it's not about me, it's about them. Stop BOTHERING ME!

I want to scream. Does being angry & bitter burn calories? I hope so, I have ate like a mad cow (do mad cows eat a lot?) today. I hate this feeling, I know someone is having a shittier day than I am, and I feel bad when I am so bitchy and my life isn't even all that bad.

I hope I wake up happy tomorrow.

I Hate Mondays.

2009-03-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm a SAHM, and there is no difference from day to day, why do I still hate Mondays?

Do people like to deliver bad news on Monday? Is there a rule book that says no Monday can go well?

Stupid Mondays.

Jealousy

2009-03-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have it. I should so be happy that my Husband is getting the chance to see the rest of the world, and I guess I'm a little happy for him, but deep down, I'm severely jealous. I have been to Japan, S.Korea, Hawaii and various states in the past and this is his first time out of the country as an adult. I should be happy not jealous. So far, he has been to Spain, Greece and Cyprus. He has promised to take me to Spain. LOL.

The funny thing is, he says he is not enjoying it. I wonder if he says this to make me feel better? I tell him to take a ton of pictures, and I try to be happy for him, but sometimes I'm jealous. That's all.

Rain

2009-03-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have a love/hate relationship with rain. I'm very happy that the rain just washed the pollen off my car. Washing the car is my Husband's job. He is not here, so I really have been putting it off lately. Well, my nice Black car turned yellow a couple days ago, so I kept telling myself I would take it to be washed, but it rained today....hahahaha, score one for me!

However...I ate a gazillion and one calories yesterday and I need to take my child out for a very long 10 mile walk. I'm not exaggerating. I need that walk. I hate working out in my house, it's boring and makes me want to cry.

Rain, please, you did your job, now go rest please!

I think it's time

2009-03-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

to potty train that is.

I'm so not ready for this again. I hate potty training. I do not like to clean up pee on floors and now I have carpet, so it makes it even worse. I can't decide if I want to use pull-ups or underwear. Eric used pull-ups and he did great, I also liked that we didn't have accidents in public. But I just don't think my Daughter is going to be the same.

She's my difficult child. Eric is a "go with the flow, if you say so" kind of dude. Brianna is a "I WILL NOT CHANGE" child.

I wish someone else would potty train her and send her back when they are done.....

Update to the petition

2009-03-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

Chris Brown has withdrew himself from The Children's Music Awards.
http://www.usmagazine.com/news/cchris-brown-removes-name-from-kids-choice-awards-plans-to-speak-about-rihanna-2009113

And On A More Serious Note

2009-03-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Here is a petition to remove Chris Brown from The Kid's Choice Awards.

http://www.petitiononline.com/cbrh1968/petition.html

Personally, I'm not a serious type of person. However, I truly believe that Chris Brown should not be on The Kid's Choice Awards after what he did to Rihanna, his girlfriend. I believe that it is our responsibilities as adults to not encourage these type of people as role models for our children. Personally, I like Chris Brown's music, but I'm old enough to know that what he did was wrong.

If you are living under a rock and aren't sure what I'm talking about here:
http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/61985745

Do you really want your teenager or pre-teen thinking that it's okay if you beat the crap out of your girlfriend? Because, in my opinion, that is what The Kid's Choice Awards is doing by allowing Chris Brown to be on the show.

If you don't agree with me, that is fine, do nothing.

If you agree with me, please take the time to sign the petition.

Also, if you are a victim of Domestic Violence, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE

And now I promise, I'm out of serious mode....Thanks...

Ah the Sounds of Spring

2009-03-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

Can I just say how much I love Spring & Summer? Yes, I love them. I'm ecstatic that they are here. I love the weather, the summer breeze, ice cold drinks, everything!

Except...that stupid bird that sits in front of my window every morning from 6-8am. WTF. He sits there and chirps away. Sooo cute, and so annoying. Why does he choose my window? I am not a morning person. Please bird, go away.

Debby Downer?

2009-03-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I took a tour of Jacksonville, I love it here. I have loved it since I laid my eyes on that beautiful beach. When we originally moved here, we moved on base, with the military folks. I will never understand why every military spouse MUST hate where they live. They hate the heat, they hate the bugs, they hate their neighbors. Why? Why do you have to find all the bad things in life?

I am glad I moved off base. Since getting rid of all the negativity, I have been one happy Momma! I believe that if you tell yourself that a place sucks, it will. If you tell yourself a place is GREAT then it will be great.

I'm all for a bitch fest, and the mosquitos here suck donkey balls. But, for the love of Pete, I do not want to hear your countdown till you leave Jacksonville.

I took a million and one pictures today of all the reasons I love Jacksonville. The main reason is water. Every single time I drive by water, I get annoyingly giddy & happy. Maybe it's because I'm a Pisces, maybe I'm supposed to be near the water, or maybe it's because I choose to find the good in the area instead of picking apart all the bad things. Seriously, how can you NOT like it here?

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. -Buddha

My First Blog

2009-03-08T14:02:00.001-07:00

So, I finally decided to jump on the bandwagon, the blogging bandwagon that is.

I first wanted to explain where my Blog title and url names came from. My Blog title "I Am Awake" actually came from this thingy I read, here's the thingy.

One of his students asked Buddha, "Are you the messiah?"
"No", answered Buddha.
"Then are you a healer?"
"No", Buddha replied.
"Then are you a teacher?" the student persisted.
"No, I am not a teacher."
"Then what are you?" asked the student, exasperated.
"I am awake", Buddha replied.

It doesn't leave the author, so here is the website where I got it from http://www.sapphyr.net/buddhist/buddhist-quotes.htm

I thought it was fitting. I love my sleep. I hate mornings. I hate being awake. I tried to get my url to match my blog, but some jack ass must have had the idea before me. stopbotheringmeplease is something I really want to yell everyday. I hate being bothered.

I'm long winded. I'm not crafty. I'm not a great cook. I'm not a great writer. I'm not exactly funny. I'm kind of dorky. I'm outspoken. I'm calm, almost always calm. I'm independent and yet dependent. This blog will not have a theme. I'm not passionate about any one subject.