So, here's something new from me. A drunk post.
I hate my bio mom, she is the shittiest piece of shit on earth.
Deuces.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Just let it air out already!
I hate the bitch that gave birth to me. There. I said it.
Ya know, at one point in my life, I forgave her for everything she did to me growing up. I let it all go. I moved past it. She never even had to ask my forgiveness. She never admitted she did anything wrong.
But she lives in denial. She's a psychopath. And the people around her don't even realize it. I'm not even saying psychopath to be mean. She's mentally ill. She has people fooled and when they find out who she is, she'll uproot herself again and she'll move to where no one knows her and she'll play the game from the beginning.
She'll come up with excuses for disappearing out of people's lives. They're all lies.
People say hate is a strong word. Well, it's a strong feeling, like love.
I used to say that I rarely think about my Mom. I don't let it bother me. She didn't matter. It didn't matter if she was there or not. Because at the time, it didn't. And so, I couldn't hate her.
But then she waltzes back in, says she'll be there. Says she cares. And then tries to turn me on my own family that raised me.
The thing about the word hate...if you hate someone, it means that person controls you. If you can waste time hating someone, you have a strong feeling...which means you feel SOMETHING toward that person. And to that person, something is better than nothing.
I used to feel nothing. And now I hate her. I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. I hate that I waste time hating her. I hate that she has this control over me, when she never had control over me before. I miss being numb.
Ya know, at one point in my life, I forgave her for everything she did to me growing up. I let it all go. I moved past it. She never even had to ask my forgiveness. She never admitted she did anything wrong.
But she lives in denial. She's a psychopath. And the people around her don't even realize it. I'm not even saying psychopath to be mean. She's mentally ill. She has people fooled and when they find out who she is, she'll uproot herself again and she'll move to where no one knows her and she'll play the game from the beginning.
She'll come up with excuses for disappearing out of people's lives. They're all lies.
People say hate is a strong word. Well, it's a strong feeling, like love.
I used to say that I rarely think about my Mom. I don't let it bother me. She didn't matter. It didn't matter if she was there or not. Because at the time, it didn't. And so, I couldn't hate her.
But then she waltzes back in, says she'll be there. Says she cares. And then tries to turn me on my own family that raised me.
The thing about the word hate...if you hate someone, it means that person controls you. If you can waste time hating someone, you have a strong feeling...which means you feel SOMETHING toward that person. And to that person, something is better than nothing.
I used to feel nothing. And now I hate her. I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. I hate that I waste time hating her. I hate that she has this control over me, when she never had control over me before. I miss being numb.
Monday, December 13, 2010
It's COLD.
Seriously. I'm in Florida for a reason people. This is too cold. I have lived in snow. I have seen blizzards. I have walked in the cold ass wind. And today's wind in Florida was freezing, I swear it felt like it was going to snow here. Too damn cold. Turn the heat back on!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Procrastination
I was never a procrastinator, but it seems lately, I have become a big procrastinator. I have been avoiding writing a paper that SHOULD be easy, maybe I have writer's block. I have wrote one paragraph. One measly paragraph. I'm stuck.
I have been studying my Algebra, which is what I should be studying anyway. However, I've been avoiding my Religion homework as well.
This blog entry? It's procrastination.
I hate finals week. Blah.
I have been studying my Algebra, which is what I should be studying anyway. However, I've been avoiding my Religion homework as well.
This blog entry? It's procrastination.
I hate finals week. Blah.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
And then I found...T
This one. Great Advice.
The past is already past.
Don't try to regain it.
The present does not stay.
Don't try to touch it.
From moment to moment.
The future has not come;
Don't think about it
Beforehand.
Whatever comes to the eye,
Leave it be.
There are no commandments
To be kept;
There's no filth to be cleansed.
With empty mind really
Penetrated, the dharmas
Have no life.
When you can be like this,
You've completed
The ultimate attainment.
Layman P'ang (740-808)
I Found This Poem Today
And I do believe it might have told the story of my life:
Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it.
Ryokan
Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it.
Ryokan
Sunday, October 24, 2010
To Become an Adult
You must be a child first.
They quote "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child ", doesn't particularly fit me. When I was a child, I spoke like an adult, I thought like an adult and I reasoned like an adult. I was treated as an adult-child. I wasn't allowed to attend dances, school games. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to hang out after school.
When I moved out on my own, I became a child. I partied like a crazy child who no one could control. I spent money, like there was an endless supply. I did not think about the future. I was a very responsible child, I could stretch every penny. As a young adult, I just wanted to be carefree.
It wasn't until later on in my adult life that I went back to my responsible self. And so, I'm convinced that in order to become an adult, you must first experience life as a child. You must eventually let go of the need to control everything. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm convinced it will later.
They quote "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child ", doesn't particularly fit me. When I was a child, I spoke like an adult, I thought like an adult and I reasoned like an adult. I was treated as an adult-child. I wasn't allowed to attend dances, school games. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to hang out after school.
When I moved out on my own, I became a child. I partied like a crazy child who no one could control. I spent money, like there was an endless supply. I did not think about the future. I was a very responsible child, I could stretch every penny. As a young adult, I just wanted to be carefree.
It wasn't until later on in my adult life that I went back to my responsible self. And so, I'm convinced that in order to become an adult, you must first experience life as a child. You must eventually let go of the need to control everything. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm convinced it will later.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
So Far, So Good
I made it through the kid's first week of school. The week after they started, I started and I survived that.
This is week 3 for them, week 2 for me and so far, we are all still alive.
Eric's had a rough beginning, but he's starting to catch on. He knows all his letters by sight and the sounds they make. We are starting sight words now.
Brianna knows all but 5 of her letters. She knows some of the sounds. She is loving preschool.
My SIL had her baby this past weekend and my nephew is just the cutest thing ever. It's been years since I've seen and held a newborn. *sniff*
My classes are going well. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to read Shakespeare in Lit class...but guess what we have to read? Hamlet. So I read it and survived it.
One thing is for sure, this was a much needed change in my life. I have been so much happier in school and with the kids in school. I'm finally getting time for me.
This is week 3 for them, week 2 for me and so far, we are all still alive.
Eric's had a rough beginning, but he's starting to catch on. He knows all his letters by sight and the sounds they make. We are starting sight words now.
Brianna knows all but 5 of her letters. She knows some of the sounds. She is loving preschool.
My SIL had her baby this past weekend and my nephew is just the cutest thing ever. It's been years since I've seen and held a newborn. *sniff*
My classes are going well. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to read Shakespeare in Lit class...but guess what we have to read? Hamlet. So I read it and survived it.
One thing is for sure, this was a much needed change in my life. I have been so much happier in school and with the kids in school. I'm finally getting time for me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A New Beginning
Eric started Kindy on Monday, and Brianna started full time preschool on Monday. This is my first time having both kids in full time school and I'm hoping it's the break I need. I start my classes next week, I'll have a Lit class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Algebra on Fridays. I also have a Religion class online.
I signed up for a Bootcamp class tomorrow at the YMCA. I normally don't participate in classes, but I am really bored with the same old work outs.
Also, tomorrow is the start of this:
http://daretoliveyou.com/mean-girl-cleanse/
Check it out and sign up if you want.
I also found out today, that I made straight A's :) I only took 3 classes, but I'm really proud of myself. I really thought I'd end up with a B or a C in the Math class. I did bad on a couple tests. So the A really came as a surprise. My English A was also a surprise because I just didn't feel confident in the papers that I wrote. I'm so glad I made it through the first semester of back to school, it gives me hope for the rest of the school year.
I signed up for a Bootcamp class tomorrow at the YMCA. I normally don't participate in classes, but I am really bored with the same old work outs.
Also, tomorrow is the start of this:
http://daretoliveyou.com/mean-girl-cleanse/
Check it out and sign up if you want.
I also found out today, that I made straight A's :) I only took 3 classes, but I'm really proud of myself. I really thought I'd end up with a B or a C in the Math class. I did bad on a couple tests. So the A really came as a surprise. My English A was also a surprise because I just didn't feel confident in the papers that I wrote. I'm so glad I made it through the first semester of back to school, it gives me hope for the rest of the school year.
My Computer
It sucks. I'm currently trying to fix it. My lovely laptop...why have you forsaken me??? WHY? All I've ever done was love you, but you treat me like shit. You don't R-E-S-P-E-C-T me. Please, put forth a little more effort in our marriage. I do not want to divorce you. I don't want to use the desktop computer. I love you too much to cheat on you with another computer.
Friday, August 20, 2010
A Different Feeling
So, when I made this blog, I promised it wouldn't be a ranting blog for me. Ranting is sooo Myspace. I wanted this to be a Happy Blog, when I created it, I was happy. I was new to Jacksonville, ready to discover the territory, etc.
I haven't blogged in forever. And why? Because I'm not really happy.
And yet, I still feel the need to write. I tried my hand at writing fiction for a quick minute, but realized that it's not exactly what I want to write.
When I was young, I kept a journal. It probably started around age 8. I kept it up until....I don't remember. But I was an Adult. I probably stopped writing when I had a son.
Anyway, I've decided I will continue to blog as a journal. This is more for myself than for anyone else though. Just letting y'all know. Maybe one day, I'll make a new Happy Blog.
I haven't blogged in forever. And why? Because I'm not really happy.
And yet, I still feel the need to write. I tried my hand at writing fiction for a quick minute, but realized that it's not exactly what I want to write.
When I was young, I kept a journal. It probably started around age 8. I kept it up until....I don't remember. But I was an Adult. I probably stopped writing when I had a son.
Anyway, I've decided I will continue to blog as a journal. This is more for myself than for anyone else though. Just letting y'all know. Maybe one day, I'll make a new Happy Blog.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
July 18th, 2010
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ---Albert Schweitzer
Thank you ;)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I Suck at Blogging
Apparently.
I keep saying I'll start blogging regularly again, but I don't. So I won't make any promises this time. A lot has been going on around here. Most of which, I'm not yet ready to blog about just yet.
I don't know about you, but when life is hard, I look for inspirational quotes to get me through. Here are two of my current favorite quotes:
I keep saying I'll start blogging regularly again, but I don't. So I won't make any promises this time. A lot has been going on around here. Most of which, I'm not yet ready to blog about just yet.
I don't know about you, but when life is hard, I look for inspirational quotes to get me through. Here are two of my current favorite quotes:
"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." --Harriet Beecher Stowe
AND
"The proper function of man is to live - not to exist." -- Jack London
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
This Makes 2 for December
Hey, not bad, right?
So, what have we been up to? Hiking...well I guess I wouldn't call it hiking when you take two kids under age 5 with you. Brianna hates hiking, though she is starting to warm up to it.
I did hike up Kennesaw Mountain when I went to Georgia last month. Twice. The first time I took Shane & the kids and let's just say we made it about 1/2 way up and the pouting started not even 50 steps into it. WTH? The 2nd time, I went alone and it was fantastic.
Not sure what my obsession is with all this nature crap. I never cared for it before. Still no urge to sleep out there though.
Eric's in Pre-K and doing pretty good. Tomorrow is his last day before Winter break...boo...what will I do with two kids fighting all day? They can barely make it through the weekend!
Brianna will be 3 on the 23rd of this month.
That seems to be about it. We haven't been doing much.
So, what have we been up to? Hiking...well I guess I wouldn't call it hiking when you take two kids under age 5 with you. Brianna hates hiking, though she is starting to warm up to it.
I did hike up Kennesaw Mountain when I went to Georgia last month. Twice. The first time I took Shane & the kids and let's just say we made it about 1/2 way up and the pouting started not even 50 steps into it. WTH? The 2nd time, I went alone and it was fantastic.
Not sure what my obsession is with all this nature crap. I never cared for it before. Still no urge to sleep out there though.
Eric's in Pre-K and doing pretty good. Tomorrow is his last day before Winter break...boo...what will I do with two kids fighting all day? They can barely make it through the weekend!
Brianna will be 3 on the 23rd of this month.
That seems to be about it. We haven't been doing much.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hi December!
Don't hate me when I say this...but it's effing cold here! Yes, I know it's 49 degrees, but that is too cold for me. I must move to Jamaica next.
I will try to start blogging again, one day....
I will try to start blogging again, one day....
Sunday, November 8, 2009
What Happened to October?
I guess I had to take a break from blogging. No real reason. I guess I feel as though there isn't much to be said anymore.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words...so here's a few thousand from our hiking trip this week (which was really really short, but well apparently hiking trails aren't popular here)
The weather is really nice here, I hope it stays this way. Not looking forward to any kind of cold weather at all.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words...so here's a few thousand from our hiking trip this week (which was really really short, but well apparently hiking trails aren't popular here)
The weather is really nice here, I hope it stays this way. Not looking forward to any kind of cold weather at all.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Long Time No See
It's been awhile since I last blogged. I would say I've been really busy, I have, but it only takes a few minutes to blog so I really can't say that I've been too busy to blog. I just haven't had much to blog about, I guess.
Last Thursday was date night with the Husband. We went to the Jacksonville Jags Vs Washington Redskin's game, Shane is a huge Redskin's fan. We had a nice time, even though I'm not a sports fan.
Let's see, we also recently moved. We have a nice big bathroom now and a walk in closet in every bedroom. Also, instead of the kids having their own rooms, I put their beds in one room and made the other bedroom a toy room. So far, I really like it.
I also caught the flu and have had it for about 2 weeks. I think it's finally going away. Maybe it was a sinus infection or something. No clue. My kids got the sniffles and I got the sniffles after them. Well their sniffles went away after a few days without any other symptoms. Me? I got a sore throat and a freaking cough from hell. Nice. I'm still coughing up my lungs.
Oh, we got a new living room set, tv and bed set for the master bedroom. Yay. All at a really good price, too!
That is about all the updates I have for now.
Last Thursday was date night with the Husband. We went to the Jacksonville Jags Vs Washington Redskin's game, Shane is a huge Redskin's fan. We had a nice time, even though I'm not a sports fan.
Let's see, we also recently moved. We have a nice big bathroom now and a walk in closet in every bedroom. Also, instead of the kids having their own rooms, I put their beds in one room and made the other bedroom a toy room. So far, I really like it.
I also caught the flu and have had it for about 2 weeks. I think it's finally going away. Maybe it was a sinus infection or something. No clue. My kids got the sniffles and I got the sniffles after them. Well their sniffles went away after a few days without any other symptoms. Me? I got a sore throat and a freaking cough from hell. Nice. I'm still coughing up my lungs.
Oh, we got a new living room set, tv and bed set for the master bedroom. Yay. All at a really good price, too!
That is about all the updates I have for now.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My Baby Is Growing Up
Eric will be starting Pre-K in 2 weeks! I'm so ready for this. And I think he is, too. I am hoping his first day goes smoothly. Shane has already told work that he will be late that day because he wants to be there on Eric's first day of school and school doesn't start till NINE AM!!! It's only 3 hours long.
We have been busy busy busy since Shane came home and I like it! LOL. He has 24 hour duty every 3 days and has to work Monday-Friday, but when he is off work we are not home!
We bought a new bedroom set and new living room set and I'm so excited. We are moving Sept 1st and so we set up delivery for the 2nd. I hate moving but I love the apartments we are moving into, there will be a gym! Oh and the Master bathroom is great, there is a huge bathtub, lots of space and a walk in closet!
Well I think I heard the kid's bedroom door open, so I'm going to go and take these munchkins for a walk!
We have been busy busy busy since Shane came home and I like it! LOL. He has 24 hour duty every 3 days and has to work Monday-Friday, but when he is off work we are not home!
We bought a new bedroom set and new living room set and I'm so excited. We are moving Sept 1st and so we set up delivery for the 2nd. I hate moving but I love the apartments we are moving into, there will be a gym! Oh and the Master bathroom is great, there is a huge bathtub, lots of space and a walk in closet!
Well I think I heard the kid's bedroom door open, so I'm going to go and take these munchkins for a walk!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
On a more positive note...
My Husband made it home the other day!
We were supposed to go visit my Grandfather but every thing seems to be broken around here. We spent 4 hours yesterday just sitting around waiting. Nice. Plus Shane was supposed to originally have Sunday off but the person that was taking his duty for him turned out not to have a qual that Shane has and they need HIM to stand the watch. So...yeah, we would have had to drive down on saturday and drive back up on saturday. 4 hours down, 4 hours up.
So, we are going to see about next weekend. My grandfather's condition keeps flip flopping. One da he is doing good and the next he isn't. Thank you guys for your kind words (either here on the blog or in person) it really means a lot to me.
On to the good stuff!!!
I only got my gifts from Pakistan so far, the other stuff is still on the ship. My house was a complete mess after he got in, there is just so much stuff, lol. I got my jewelry and I love it all! I will have to get a new memory card reader and then I will post a pic of my most favorite ring ever! It's a Black Diamond with smaller regular diamonds in the band. It's purrrrty.
The kids got some jewelry too! Brianna has a birthstone necklace and Eric got a chain with something...I don't know how to describe the symbol but it's cute! Shane came off the ship with roses in hand for me and one rose for Brianna, along with a stuffed bear for each of the kids. Brianna will not put hers down at all. Not even for a second. She eats with it, sleeps with it..lol.
Shane had to work today, I was worried that Brianna would flip. she does keep asking for him but she keeps saying "Daddy coming back?" and she seems to be okay. There are not enough hours in the days now. We still have a ton of things that need to be done. My Impala is in the shop, so we are using one vehicle.
Oh, yesterday while waiting around for things to be done, we went shopping a little, I found a NICE pair of jeans, they fit really good and I was just shocked to find a pair of jeans that fit in under 30 minutes. They are just plain Black denim, but the fit is nice.
I will have to take some pics of the gifts he bought, because I dont think I could describe them all. I haven't seen the stuff from London yet, maybe he will bring it home tomorrow morning, if he remembers (that is when he gets off).
But it's nice having him home. Busy, but nice. Now I must go and finish finding spots for every thing...I think we need a bigger house.
We were supposed to go visit my Grandfather but every thing seems to be broken around here. We spent 4 hours yesterday just sitting around waiting. Nice. Plus Shane was supposed to originally have Sunday off but the person that was taking his duty for him turned out not to have a qual that Shane has and they need HIM to stand the watch. So...yeah, we would have had to drive down on saturday and drive back up on saturday. 4 hours down, 4 hours up.
So, we are going to see about next weekend. My grandfather's condition keeps flip flopping. One da he is doing good and the next he isn't. Thank you guys for your kind words (either here on the blog or in person) it really means a lot to me.
On to the good stuff!!!
I only got my gifts from Pakistan so far, the other stuff is still on the ship. My house was a complete mess after he got in, there is just so much stuff, lol. I got my jewelry and I love it all! I will have to get a new memory card reader and then I will post a pic of my most favorite ring ever! It's a Black Diamond with smaller regular diamonds in the band. It's purrrrty.
The kids got some jewelry too! Brianna has a birthstone necklace and Eric got a chain with something...I don't know how to describe the symbol but it's cute! Shane came off the ship with roses in hand for me and one rose for Brianna, along with a stuffed bear for each of the kids. Brianna will not put hers down at all. Not even for a second. She eats with it, sleeps with it..lol.
Shane had to work today, I was worried that Brianna would flip. she does keep asking for him but she keeps saying "Daddy coming back?" and she seems to be okay. There are not enough hours in the days now. We still have a ton of things that need to be done. My Impala is in the shop, so we are using one vehicle.
Oh, yesterday while waiting around for things to be done, we went shopping a little, I found a NICE pair of jeans, they fit really good and I was just shocked to find a pair of jeans that fit in under 30 minutes. They are just plain Black denim, but the fit is nice.
I will have to take some pics of the gifts he bought, because I dont think I could describe them all. I haven't seen the stuff from London yet, maybe he will bring it home tomorrow morning, if he remembers (that is when he gets off).
But it's nice having him home. Busy, but nice. Now I must go and finish finding spots for every thing...I think we need a bigger house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
