Thursday, December 16, 2010

Just let it air out already!

I hate the bitch that gave birth to me. There. I said it.

Ya know, at one point in my life, I forgave her for everything she did to me growing up. I let it all go. I moved past it. She never even had to ask my forgiveness. She never admitted she did anything wrong.

But she lives in denial. She's a psychopath. And the people around her don't even realize it. I'm not even saying psychopath to be mean. She's mentally ill. She has people fooled and when they find out who she is, she'll uproot herself again and she'll move to where no one knows her and she'll play the game from the beginning.

She'll come up with excuses for disappearing out of people's lives. They're all lies.

People say hate is a strong word. Well, it's a strong feeling, like love.

I used to say that I rarely think about my Mom. I don't let it bother me. She didn't matter. It didn't matter if she was there or not. Because at the time, it didn't. And so, I couldn't hate her.

But then she waltzes back in, says she'll be there. Says she cares. And then tries to turn me on my own family that raised me.

The thing about the word hate...if you hate someone, it means that person controls you. If you can waste time hating someone, you have a strong feeling...which means you feel SOMETHING toward that person. And to that person, something is better than nothing.

I used to feel nothing. And now I hate her. I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. I hate that I waste time hating her. I hate that she has this control over me, when she never had control over me before. I miss being numb.

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's COLD.

Seriously. I'm in Florida for a reason people. This is too cold. I have lived in snow. I have seen blizzards. I have walked in the cold ass wind. And today's wind in Florida was freezing, I swear it felt like it was going to snow here. Too damn cold. Turn the heat back on!

Sunday, December 5, 2010


I was never a procrastinator, but it seems lately, I have become a big procrastinator. I have been avoiding writing a paper that SHOULD be easy, maybe I have writer's block. I have wrote one paragraph. One measly paragraph. I'm stuck.

I have been studying my Algebra, which is what I should be studying anyway. However, I've been avoiding my Religion homework as well.

This blog entry? It's procrastination.

I hate finals week. Blah.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

And then I found...T

This one. Great Advice.

The past is already past.
Don't try to regain it.
The present does not stay.
Don't try to touch it.

From moment to moment.
The future has not come;
Don't think about it

Whatever comes to the eye,
Leave it be.
There are no commandments
To be kept;
There's no filth to be cleansed.

With empty mind really
Penetrated, the dharmas
Have no life.

When you can be like this,
You've completed
The ultimate attainment.
Layman P'ang (740-808)

I Found This Poem Today

And I do believe it might have told the story of my life:

Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

To Become an Adult

You must be a child first.

They quote "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child ", doesn't particularly fit me. When I was a child, I spoke like an adult, I thought like an adult and I reasoned like an adult. I was treated as an adult-child. I wasn't allowed to attend dances, school games. I wasn't allowed to date. I wasn't allowed to hang out after school.

When I moved out on my own, I became a child. I partied like a crazy child who no one could control. I spent money, like there was an endless supply. I did not think about the future. I was a very responsible child, I could stretch every penny. As a young adult, I just wanted to be carefree.

It wasn't until later on in my adult life that I went back to my responsible self. And so, I'm convinced that in order to become an adult, you must first experience life as a child. You must eventually let go of the need to control everything. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm convinced it will later.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So Far, So Good

I made it through the kid's first week of school. The week after they started, I started and I survived that.

This is week 3 for them, week 2 for me and so far, we are all still alive.

Eric's had a rough beginning, but he's starting to catch on. He knows all his letters by sight and the sounds they make. We are starting sight words now.

Brianna knows all but 5 of her letters. She knows some of the sounds. She is loving preschool.

My SIL had her baby this past weekend and my nephew is just the cutest thing ever. It's been years since I've seen and held a newborn. *sniff*

My classes are going well. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to read Shakespeare in Lit class...but guess what we have to read? Hamlet. So I read it and survived it.

One thing is for sure, this was a much needed change in my life. I have been so much happier in school and with the kids in school. I'm finally getting time for me.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A New Beginning

Eric started Kindy on Monday, and Brianna started full time preschool on Monday. This is my first time having both kids in full time school and I'm hoping it's the break I need. I start my classes next week, I'll have a Lit class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Algebra on Fridays. I also have a Religion class online.

I signed up for a Bootcamp class tomorrow at the YMCA. I normally don't participate in classes, but I am really bored with the same old work outs.

Also, tomorrow is the start of this:

Check it out and sign up if you want.

I also found out today, that I made straight A's :) I only took 3 classes, but I'm really proud of myself. I really thought I'd end up with a B or a C in the Math class. I did bad on a couple tests. So the A really came as a surprise. My English A was also a surprise because I just didn't feel confident in the papers that I wrote. I'm so glad I made it through the first semester of back to school, it gives me hope for the rest of the school year.

My Computer

It sucks. I'm currently trying to fix it. My lovely laptop...why have you forsaken me??? WHY? All I've ever done was love you, but you treat me like shit. You don't R-E-S-P-E-C-T me. Please, put forth a little more effort in our marriage. I do not want to divorce you. I don't want to use the desktop computer. I love you too much to cheat on you with another computer.

Friday, August 20, 2010

A Different Feeling

So, when I made this blog, I promised it wouldn't be a ranting blog for me. Ranting is sooo Myspace. I wanted this to be a Happy Blog, when I created it, I was happy. I was new to Jacksonville, ready to discover the territory, etc.

I haven't blogged in forever. And why? Because I'm not really happy.

And yet, I still feel the need to write. I tried my hand at writing fiction for a quick minute, but realized that it's not exactly what I want to write.

When I was young, I kept a journal. It probably started around age 8. I kept it up until....I don't remember. But I was an Adult. I probably stopped writing when I had a son.

Anyway, I've decided I will continue to blog as a journal. This is more for myself than for anyone else though. Just letting y'all know. Maybe one day, I'll make a new Happy Blog.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

July 18th, 2010

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ---Albert Schweitzer

Thank you ;)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Suck at Blogging


I keep saying I'll start blogging regularly again, but I don't. So I won't make any promises this time. A lot has been going on around here. Most of which, I'm not yet ready to blog about just yet.

I don't know about you, but when life is hard, I look for inspirational quotes to get me through. Here are two of my current favorite quotes:

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." --Harriet Beecher Stowe


"The proper function of man is to live - not to exist." -- Jack London

Life lessons suck sometimes.